This week, I experienced a phenomena I thought did not exist. My work with children and young adults causes this conversation to occur on occasion but I may need to redact my previous statements.
Tiny foot and toes
This week, we had our 20-week ultrasound. This was the moment to see if the baby was forming correctly and hopefully get a peek at some indicators of gender. Things started in a typical manner – warm gooey gel on my belly and a wand pressing into places that make the urge to urinate very uncomfortable since I have to come with a fairly full bladder. Whatever weirdness was there quickly dissipated though. We were immediately transported to another world where we saw tiny fingers and toes, spinal columns, heart chambers, leg and arm bones, and skull dimensions. It was like seeing the intricacies of a nebula on the other side of the galaxy: completely breath-taking. There was a sense of sacredness in the moment, like we were gazing far into space to see something human eyes had only dreamt of seeing. I heard my internal voice hush my actual voice, to enjoy the moment, but I had so many questions about the visions before me and my awe was so great, I couldn’t quiet my exclamations at all this beauty.
Then came the money shot. We had seen all these close-ups of pieces that comprise a person, but it didn’t really register as a person in my mind. It felt more like I was examining parts of the human body in a textbook. But as the technician pushed against my side at an angle we’d not seen, my breath was stopped and it took every ounce of strength not to burst into tears. There was suddenly a whole person in front of our eyes. Not just the building blocks of a person, but a whole person. And my heart was immediately lost, lost to an overwhelming love, the magnitude of which I’ve only felt when in relationships with people over time. And in that moment, in that instant, the love I felt surpassed those of my other relationships. It is truly my goal to love other people so deeply and with every part of my being that I can muster…and I felt all that love for every person I’ve ever met fade into shadows. All the bright color and intensity of my friendships drained and it was like I saw love in real time, similar to how a photograph never quite captures the majesty eyes behold and suddenly there it was before me. Here was love, in all its power, crashing upon the sands of my heart in wave after wave, and I was lost, helpless to its overpowering splendor. All in a moment.
She is literally the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld. And all I can think is, “I cannot wait to meet you.”
This week has been unusually quiet for me. The appointments and workload have all been normal, but my mind feels like it has been wrapped in a hum of silence. It has been lovely.
How has this silence come about? Emphasizing personal relationships rather than technological ones. I’ve left my phone on silent and done most of my communicating in-person. The time I’ve spent with people without allowing other things to steal my attention has given such an improved ability to hear and remember what people are saying rather than skipping ahead to another task in my thoughts while supposedly enjoying a conversation.
This experiment was to be short-term but I think I may extend it. So, no Facebook unless I’m sitting at a computer for a few moments, all my social media apps are deleted (with the exception of WordPress, which will be deleted shortly), and I don’t have a phone buzzing me to attention every ten seconds or so when friends post on musicians or political rants riddled with misinformation or complaints about weather. It’s nice to have actual people vying for my attention for a change rather than random thoughts that aren’t really directed at me for conversation.
While showering, I found myself speaking in rhyme and creating this poem. Cheesy at points and still a work in progress but here it is.
Psychoanalysis of Relationships
What once was
Must never be
For what once was
Was quite unhealthy!
With space inbetween,
Fissures and cracks,
The silence wore noise
As a concealing mask.
To all who observed
Everything appeared well
But hidden in shadows
There lurked forms of hell
The emotional violence
Was blatant and clear;
How those travesties pierce.
With them came distance
And chasms of space
While hearts mourned in absence,
Yearning for grace.
Cycle after cycle after cycle of despair,
Wondering how to heal the loneliness there.
A gesture of love,
A whisper of grace
When shared over time
Create a new place.
Forgiveness as streams,
Peace a quiet rain,
Washing away grief,
Staking a new claim.
A standard for love
has forever been raised,
exchanging hell for heaven
With fathoms of grace.
The countless stories and sensations that cause my imagination to tingle with passion are waiting to be shared. Though life may get busy, it is this writer’s hope to make the time to capture something from my observations and wonderings. Today, I had actual time at work to write and it sparked the long-cooled flame of passion for written words. In honor of this found desire, I bravely share my work. I say bravely because my writing exposes who I am, my identity. Secret emotions and motives are laid bare. To allow others to read these thoughts is to give them access to the central core of my existence, all I cherish and all I adore.
It captivated my senses as a child and continues to be the moment I yearn for with winter’s arrival: laying in the middle of the road in the snow. It is a reminder of happier times, and allows me to relive the wholeness of that era. My heart is once again at peace. The tranquility of hearing nothing but my breathing and the sound of every snowflake in the world making contact with the ground is akin to the most beautiful moments of fairy tales where characters wait with bated breath for the marvel to be revealed. All pain is covered over. All grief is blotted out. Heaven has opened with manifest kisses that truly say, “Peace on earth; goodwill to all men.”
So relaxing! Today was wonderful! I woke up nice and early on my own and eventually got out of bed. Terry and I took off for a movie with Sharayah and then had some lunch at Kent Station. My lunch was perfect for a hot day: pear and chicken salad with blue cheese crumbles and candied walnuts. Delicious! We enjoyed lunch on the patio in the warm sunshine and then took a trip to Costco. After grabbing a few things for future meals, we headed home to watch some Will Ferrell.
Now, Terry has put some kind of Stephen King movie on from the late 80s or early 90s that is horribly cheesy about people disappearing off an airplane. I think it’s called The Langoliers. It’s terrible. :)
For the rest of the evening, I hoping to take Ella for a walk and pick some blackberries. We’ll see if my plans come to pass.
I must confess that I abandoned writing for a few weeks because every time I considered the countdown, I would feel something that I can only guess is a panic attack coming on with how many days I have left of summer. Not a good feeling every time I blog. I have resolved this issue of summer ending and I am at peace once more.
I spent this last week on Harstine Island with some of the students from youth group on a retreat. It was lovely. The weather was comfortable, the beach was beautiful, and it felt like the perfect place to be. We had so much fun! I especially enjoyed our evenings around the fire, encouraging one another and sharing stories. It was marvelous.
I’m closing this week out with some relaxation with my hubster who is designing some t-shirts for an event our church does in Burien. He’s put some excellent designs together and I’m hoping that he’ll make me one of them, even if the church doesn’t go for it.
Before I go, another confession: I’ve been watching TONS of Doctor Who to finish the last season available in America and as I write, I hear Matt Smith’s voice narrating my thoughts. Kind of creepy but cool.
Early morning waterfront
Whoa. Crazy couple weeks of activity have prevented me from being consistent in my posting but with this first day off in a bit, there’s finally some room to breathe. For a day of relaxation, things started off pretty early. Sam and Luke were in town visiting my in-laws this weekend so mom made plans for the four of us to go down to Pike Place Market around 7:30am. It was so unique to see the market slowly filling up over the hours. Usually when I do have the privilege of seeing the market, it is packed with tourists. It was a beautiful morning.
After meandering around the market, we parked over by the train station while waiting for Sam and Luke’s boarding time. We sauntered around a couple blocks and discovered a National Park for the Klondike Gold Rush and its affect on Seattle, Canada, and Alaska. It was informative, interactive, and highly educational. The staff provided a small passport for visitors to go around and emboss or stamp at different stations as they traveled around to learn about the different people and events. There were some amazing stories of people’s lives and how they survived with their families during that period in history. It was riveting to
First Starbucks, sleepy and getting ready for a busy day
hear their stories. We headed to the train station after we wandered around the whole museum and saw Sam and Luke off. Mom and I headed back to her place and then I drove myself home and proceeded to play Fable 2 the entirety of the afternoon and evening while Terry finished working.
For dinner, Terry grilled up some salmon filets and asparagus with baked potatoes. It was delicious! Terry always does a great job with grilling, all kinds of food. We put on a TV show and ate dinner. While catching up on shows, my friend Kim surprised me with a phone call in which we discuss all important aspects of life, like Dr. Who, parenting, Eureka, 4th of July, etc. It was a lovely surprise.
Now, I sit here while Terry wraps up his TV show and I’m chatting it up on Facebook and blogging. I’m really looking forward to some sleep and whatever happens tomorrow. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be a good day.